What do you need, darlin? Not sure? Let’s unpack this together!
But first, I want to share that last week’s Heroine’s Journey retreat was everything I hoped it would be and more. I guided an intimate group of women through a beautiful self-discovery process of tapping into the soul’s desire and embodying it.
The Heroine’s Journey is a powerful reclamation process because Desire is the spark of creation. Your desire is your own personal North star guiding you toward fulfilling your life’s purpose. By claiming your desire, you can dream a bigger life for yourself. Claiming your desire marks the beginning of living an empowered life. Instead of life happening to you, you get to experience life unfolding for you. I had a great time in this retreat!
Ok, back to unpacking what you need. Have you found yourself thinking about your life, I don’t really know what I really want? Well, that thought makes sense because historically, as women, living in a patriarchy, we have been cut off from our desire. Most of us learned early on how to put everyone else’s needs above our own. Even to the extent of feeling guilty for having our own desires.
Almost all of the women who come to me for coaching are so over-extended and exhausted from giving and giving from an empty cup that they haven’t had any room to consider what they want for themselves.
And I totally get this. Because for years I put everyone else’s needs above my own. I was literally settling for crumbs! The left-overs. It took me a long time to realize I wasn’t actually serving anyone because I felt so depleted. And I was resentful a lot.
Clearly, being of service is my nature. As a mom, wife, friend, human. Serving others is how I show up. I can’t help it. Every business I have ever had has been service based. And I have burned myself out countless times in the past because I wasn’t putting my own needs first.
There is a reason why they tell you to secure your own oxygen mask before tending to someone else. Because if you don’t, you might not make it.
These days, I do things very differently. I make sure my own needs are being met first and then I am able to serve from a full cup. Just this one shift has changed everything about the quality of my life. Because only from a nurtured place can you access what you truly desire.
So, before you can get in touch with what you desire, you have to get in touch with what you need to feel nourished in your life.
You may already know what you need, but if you don’t, it’s not that difficult to find. Just look at what you are complaining about. Underneath any complaint is an unmet need. Does that make sense? There is always an unmet need driving the complaint. Or you wouldn’t be complaining. So, what is it?
Do you need more help from those around you? More space? More rest? Do you need attention? To be acknowledged for all you are doing? What is your unmet need?
Once you figure that out, you have a choice to either continue complaining or to do something about it.
Which of those two choices is the empowering choice? Not complaining, because that’s just playing victim.
No shame in complaining, we’ve ALL been there. But if you don’t call yourself on it, you might get stuck there. Because you can literally justify your complaining all day long, and you probably have a damn good reason for complaining, but no matter how you slice it, it’s still playing the victim.
Empowerment comes when you choose to stop complaining and do something about it. And doing something about it means finding a way to fulfill that need for yourself.
We have been conditioned to look to others to fulfill our needs. But I promise you, they will never be able to sustain that role. No matter how amazing they might be. Because ultimately you will never be satisfied until you are fulfilling yourself with what you need. This is an inside job. When your cup is filled from the inside, then every little thing you receive on the outside feels like icing on the cake.
So, what does taking care of your own needs actually look like on a daily basis? That’s different for every woman and something you will discover for yourself. But when all is said and done, the actions of fulfilling your own needs will be quite simple once you make the decision to provide for yourself. And the decision might not be easy at first, you might need to problem solve your way through it.
If you need a helping hand, then ask for help and make enough room to receive someone to step in and provide the help. Sounds too simple, right? This can be tricky if you happen to be a control freak, micro manager like myself, but once you make the decision and make the ask, everything flows surprisingly easy.
If you need to rest, then stop and rest. Even if the thing tiring you out is not done or resolved. This can be tricky too when you are really attached to getting the thing done. But if the effort is overwhelming you, is it really worth pushing through? You might even be more successful in the long run if you give yourself a rest, breathe, then return to the effort.
If you need time and space to yourself, then set some boundaries. Do what you need to do to make that happen. If you need to call in support to make it happen, see the ‘ask for help’ paragraph above.
The first step is deciding to put yourself first. Don’t worry if you have to problem solve a bit to figure out how to get your needs met, that’s normal and just like how you problem solve all the other 1,001 things you do in a day. The difference I’m trying to highlight is to put your own needs at the top of the list.
Now, I would love your thoughts on this. Head over to the facebook group and share! If you need help problem-solving, ask for suggestions! We are a fabulous bunch of women with big hearts who would love to support you!